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Get Hip on Modern Sexual Lingo
Have you been sitting on some confusion about all these new sexual labels, but don’t wanna look like an idiot by asking your friends or random people you’re meeting?
Allow me to help.
I will define everything in the above image.
What does Asexual Mean?
ASEXUAL = A person who prefers to not have sex. Depending on the person, this may include other forms of sensual or erotic energy exchange, or not. Maybe they like cuddling. Maybe they don’t like touching at all. They may still want emotional intimacy and attachment. Or not. Dictionary says: “asexual individuals may still experience attraction but this attraction doesn’t need to be realized in any sexual manner.”
Sometimes I feel asexual in that way. But other times I do want to pursue sexual realization. So I am not fully asexual, but I am probably on the spectrum.
What does Gay Mean?
Gay = If you don’t know what gay means and you’re here in 2019, we have a bigger problem ;) LOL
But I’d define gay as someone who prefers having sex with people of the same gender.
What does Polyamory Mean?
Polyamory = A polyamorous person loves and engages sexually/erotically with multiple people (not necessarily in the same moment, but in the same general period of life). They may be simultaneously dating or fucking multiple people. They may be in an open relationship or ‘solo poly’ aka identify as single but be ongoingly relating or being sexual with multiple people. They may be ‘swingers’ aka a couple who likes to bring other people into their sex life. Etc.
There are many ways to “do” polyamory. If you identify as polyamorous, it is important to be as clear as possible about what you do and don’t want, and to communicate with your partners and potential partners about this.
It is worth noting that technically, polyamory just means LOVING multiple people. But common usage refers to being sexual with.
I identify as polyamorous, but functionally, that more often looks like being polysensual. I like cuddling, touching, and non-genital foreplay with multiple people in my life, but usually am only actually involving my genitals with one person at a time. I’m open to that shifting, but that’s been the pattern thus far. So technically that makes me more polysensual.
What does Genderqueer Mean?
Genderqueer = You know what gender means, right? Gender is an identity, a way you think of yourself, like male or female, typically taken on by a person according to the genitals they were born with (unless they are transgender, see the next definition.) Do you know what “queer” means? The original definition was something like “odd” or “weird”. So people who were gay, bi, or lesbian or otherwise “odd” or “weird’ sexually (to the hetero morés of yore) started being called ‘queer’ and then subsquentially adopted the term with pride and reclaimed it.
Queer can actually be a noun or a verb. The verb “queer” came later. To queer something is to kind of disrupt, hack, or be different about it. So to ‘queer’ gender would be to have a different, divergent gender expression. Like for instance non-binary (also coming up).
Thus, a genderqueer person is someone who typically has a unique flavor of feeling and expressing their “gendered” energy.
This may be held internally as a feeling state. For example, I am a cisgendered woman, currently femme in presentation, but I identify as having a strong inner masculine, and thus also identify as genderqueer. I’ve had periods of my life where I’ve dressed more butch and held more masculine roles, and run masculine energy sexually, even felt like I had an energetic dick in addition to my physical pussy.
A genderqueer person may choose to use alternate pronouns, like they or them or not. And imho, genderqueer is also a spectrum. Some people look visually more obviously genderqueer than others. A cis-woman who binds her breasts. A male in lipstick. Vs someone like me who can pass as hetero and Female (and even identifies as Female) but has an internally more complex gender identity.
The tl;dr is that gender is a spectrum. And so a ‘masculine man’ and ‘feminine woman’ would be at either end of the spectrum, but there are a million shades of grey in between, and genderqueer folks choose to express and identify with their particular gender alchemy.
What does Transgender Mean?
Transgender = A person who was born with genitals and a gender identity that did not feel right to them and, typically, chose to do something about it. At some point, either in childhood, adolescence or adulthood, they realized that they felt like they were another gender. They may or may not choose to take hormones or get surgeries to help their body be closer to their internal gender identity.
For example, a male-to-female transgender person was born and identified by doctors as ‘male’, but at some point later realized they felt more ‘female,’ and typically would also eventually likely choose to dress as female, use a female pronoun, and change their name to a female name. Someone “in transition” means they are currently undergoing a gender transition. This can be a slow process taking years.
Some trans folks talk openly about being trans. Others prefer to just be called “woman”, “man” aka the gender they are identified with. They may not want attention drawn to them being trans. In many settings it is still unsafe to be trans.
Though it isn’t on the chart, it is equally important to define cis gender.
What does Cisgender Mean?
Cisgender= A person who was born with genitals and a gender identity that does feel right to them. For example, a baby who was born with a vagina, identified by doctors as female, feels internally like a female, and grows up to continue identifying as female and using female pronouns, etc.
Those who are not yet woke around gender identity issues may call this a “regular woman,” “real woman,” or “natural woman.” But those terms are derogatory and hurtful towards trans women, implying that their experience of their own gender is invalid.
Thus, the term cis-gender is a respectful and much better way to communicate about this.
What does Pansexual Mean?
Pansexual= You know what bisexual means, right? A person who likes being sexual with both genders. But now that we have expanded our minds to see that there are actually more than just two genders, that term doesn’t really make sense.
Pansexual means a person who likes being sexual with people of ANY gender or MANY genders. Including possibly genderqueer and non-binary folks!
What does Nonbinary Mean?
Non-binary= Ok, so the genders we have defined so far are:
Cis Female, Trans Female, Cis Male, Trans Male, Genderqueer
Non-binary is most similar to gender-queer. It is an interesting question whether non-binary folks are also all genderqueer. I’m not sure what the answer is. My guess is that some of them identify as genderqueer, but probably not all do.
Nonbinary means a person who doesn’t identify or want to be seen as participating in a binary gender spectrum of female/male.
My understanding, if I had to generalize, is that they essentially want to be seen as neutral. Just a person. Not a gendered person. They often use the pronoun they, them.
And within non-binary folks, there will also be variation. Some of them may feel more ‘neuter’ or non-gendered, others may be more genderqueer and enjoy sometimes expressing their feminine or masculine energies and gender play.
What does Bisexual Mean?
Bisexual= We kinda covered this. Someone who likes being sexual with folks of both genders.
SUMMARY
I did my best here to off-the-cuff define these terms.
I’m sure I probably didn’t do it 100% perfectly.
Personally, I am a cis woman who identifies as somewhat genderqueer, polyamorous, polysensual, pansexual and also bisexual.
If you also identify with, or are knowledgeable about, one or some of these labels I’ve defined, please comment with your feedback if you have any insights that I left out! I’m sure that I have blind spots!
The main takeaway is this: People’s gender identity is up to them. Everyone gets to define that for themself. And a respectful, kind way to move through the world is to be literate enough to understand what they mean, and honor requests around pronouns, etc.
And feel free to share this article with friends and family members if you feel it is helpful!
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