That Day I Had Fun Being Me

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS

In the spotlight and loving it

A picture speaks a thousand words. Yes, yes it does. This picture is me a couple of years ago, having a great time with a professional photographer. I’m the token older woman on a photo shoot for jewelry made by my daughter-in-law, called Gretel Designs. This day we are at the beach; also in the shoot are a daughter and a son and some other attractive folks. No make up, we are in the raw. It’s a fall day, but warm enough and not rainy like it sometimes is here on our west coast. We are on a beach; it is a beautiful spot. A couple of the models swim for their photos. I’m glad it’s not me. The Pacific Ocean here is a bit cold for that.

I am pleased to be invited to represent grey haired people. I have fun. The photographer is great at encouraging us to look natural. When I have trouble smiling she tells me to say the word “penis” which does make me giggle. She tells me she doesn’t use that word when she is working with children. Obviously. Although I suspect it would work well at inciting smiles in middle school children more than asking them to say “cheese” for example.

For me, this isn’t just about being thought of as presentable enough to be in a photo shoot to promote some jewelry. I’ve avoided being in pictures for much of my adult life thinking I was too fat, too tired, too unpresentable. And yet here I am in a borrowed dress smiling for the camera, knowing that the photos might be on Instagram and Facebook and not so worried about what that image might be like.

As well as feeling insecure about my looks, events in my life had not so long ago cowed me and made me feel unworthy. My identity and sense of self worth suffered from loss and shame and a disenfranchised grief that shook me to my core. In my mind, I wandered and did not know where I would be found. I clung to the shreds of my former life and to those who stood with me in my pain and who watched helplessly as I floundered.

This photo represents one of my steps from the darkness; from the fear of being myself. It is me stepping into the light. The laughter is genuine, the fun I am having is real. The cloud that had been hanging over me is dispelling itself, although it will probably…

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