What if I can no longer do what I do?

Creative fear number 3: facing game over

I still remember the tension in my body; the emotion choking me and pressing behind my eyes. I was angry, helpless, and in pain again. In my teens, I dealt with a painful condition that left me with arms and hands that didn’t work properly. And now there I was, sat in art class. Art was personal to me, art was a passion, and once again my hands wouldn’t work properly.

That day my dam was close to breaking. I remember the kindness and optimism of Mr Hall, my teacher at the time. He always treated me with understanding and respect, trying to support me however he could. I never thanked him enough.

“You could try to put the paintbrush in your wrist splint to hold it, or you could try using your left hand.”

I had already been forced to give up my music as my fingers had lost their dexterity, now I was facing the heart-wrenching fear that I may have to give up my art too. What if I can no longer do this?

As creative people, what we do is often interwoven with who we are and how we see and relate to the world. To stop doing what we do can mean more than just having to give up a hobby. We feel as if we are facing a form of death — the death of a dream or a little part of ourselves. Who am I if I cannot write? How will I balance my world if I cannot play music or paint? What will my world look like without looking through a lense?

We wonder if the creative flow will build up and blow us apart or just leave us fractured and cracked if it chooses to flow elsewhere and we are left dry, with only our memories of more fertile times. Enough of that, let’s look at the good news.

Living through what I did was dire, but what it taught me was that if I let the creativity flow, it will find a way. The fear and the anger (and the pride because that was in the mix too) blocked the creative output more than the physical problem did. I had to give up my illusions of control and perfection and to experiment again. It may have been easier for me to do so being younger, but isn’t our inner artist like a child? Luckily, children have a loose understanding of limits and thrive in finding a way…

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